Once in a while I do these chats, and it’s time for another one. Been a long time, so what the hell, right? It’s been a strange week, and it’s only Wednesday, which makes me hope the wind down will be more peaceful than the past couple of days. I tend to over-think a lot of things that other people dismiss quite easily, it’s a short-coming I recognize in myself, and have never been able to change despite my efforts. My mind wants or needs to process things that happen to me, get into my brain, and take up more time than they should. This tends to act as a catharsis and allows me better perspective. It also makes me totally unreasonable as it plays out–and that, too, is something I recognize within myself and try to change. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I live in a vacuum at times, a 24/7 caregiver who does about 4 different jobs at any given time, and tries to keep a creative career afloat in the middle of it all. To say that I’m tired most of the time would be an understatement of near monumental proportions. But, I’ve managed to do it, with more successes than failures. This week was a failure. I’ve wasted valuable time and energy trying to understand what is always going to be incomprehensible to me, and I really dislike that I’ve allowed it to get to me so much that I’ve had to just stop and stand still for a couple of days while the storm abates. I get to solid ground again from being lost at sea, but I inevitably toss and twist a lot while I fight my way back. It doesn’t help that people around me belittle the upset they don’t really understand, or dismiss it as unimportant because I should be doing something else. I have family that thinks every effort I make is wasted energy because there’s no tangible gain from it. Makes the swim back to shore very hard indeed at times.
Today, after allowing my poor brain to jump through the mental hoops, process the feelings and anger, I see things in a much clearer way. I’ve made decisions that will make this particular game a non-starter in future. Once I get here, I know which battles are worth the effort, and which ones will never be won. I see other people reacting and lashing out worse than I ever have, or maybe just more external than my internal wars often are. I don’t know, and I don’t care to know. We all have to do what we need to do to regain our balance and move forward. Mob mentality never cuts it for me, it makes me withdraw, wild fires become full-blown conflagrations and everyone gets burned. No one wins in that mess.
I believe people are decent for the most part. Creative art, which what writing is, goes out the window in an instant when anger and hate override the pleasure of storytelling. Anyone who writes will tell you they do it because they love it, and when other people love the stories, it’s the biggest rush/high in the world. It is. At the end of the day, that’s where the focus needs to be, not on the nastiness that often breeds in the stagnant puddles around us. Thieves are parasites, they’ve been around since the dawn of time, and always will be. They are a reality of life, just like the haters who are consumed by their envy and jealousy.
The next sound you hear will be
the glory of Gabriel's trumpet heralding in a new era
The next aroma to caress your senses will be
the sweet smell of success blossoming anew
The next shiver that ripples the surface of your skin
will be the kiss of happiness born
The next vision to fill your eyes and mind with beauty
is the reawakening of hope and faith
The next taste to sweeten your lips and fuel your pleasure
is the rich elixir of rebirth
The Phoenix rises from the ashes of despair
all chains burned away to grant perfect freedom
And we begin again...